Still Here

I have no appetite. The thought of food makes me ill. I've given my last box of Girl Scout Cookies to the tots. I've never given them so much as a single GS cookie before. That's a testament to my disgust for food. And I have 3 frozen Snickers bars in the freezer. I can't even bear the thought of them without wanting to throw up. I'm not sick. Just deeply saddened.

I don't sleep at night. And I have difficulties napping. I toss and turn. Turn and toss some more.

For the first time in my life, I weigh more than momma. And I'm not a big person by any means. The biggest part of her leg, thigh included, is her knee. She has no butt. No muscle tone. No muscle. Just skin. And bones. She lost 7 pounds in the last 2 weeks.

For those of you who have asked, prayers and cards are the easiest way to help. If you still feel a need or desire to help, food is always good. Mom is not cooking. She hasn't cooked in I don't know how long. She can't stand that long. And the various smells of cooking make her sick. Mom has an insatiable sweet tooth right now with a penchant for no bake cookies, peanut butter cookies, and oatmeal cookies. She does not like chocolate chip cookies. Don't ask me about that, I don't get it either.

Last week my son ate marshmallows for breakfast. It wasn't intentional. But I have things on my mind other than my son's eating habits right now. Horrid I know. But as I said before, the thought of food makes me ill right now. When mom is sick I can't eat. Unhealthy, I realize. But it is what it is. I've been subsisting on the random bowl of soup and, when I can scrounge up enough loose change, Joe Sippers Smoothies. They are my crack and I am a fiend.

Brianne is coming in on Wednesday night. We are all getting together on Thursday for Thanksgiving. I don't know how long it has been since that has happened.

But I thank you for all you have done. The prayers and well-wishes have been incredible. I can't thank you enough.

***
This post has been double posted at Must Love Tots.

Us, Updated

Mom's been amazing. She watched the tots yesterday afternoon so HH and I could go see the much anticipated "New Moon". We came back to our house smelling of clean laundry. We had laundry coming out our ears because it's really hard to separate whites from colors when your eyes are full of tears. (Thank you HH for doing what you could between school and work and the kids and my mopey self.) But the laundry is done now. Cleaned, folded, put away.

Thursday, after mom's chemo, we went Christmas shopping. Me, the man, and mom. Kohl's and what we call a mall here in Effy. She never complained, instead asking where to next?

I emailed Daelyn's teacher explaining what was going on. Daelyn knows mom is sick. But not the severity. When mom does go, I'm so hoping years upon years from now, Daelyn will be crushed. I told the teacher that if she says or does anything out of the ordinary to please let me know.

This morning Mom and I went through her Christmas gifts to everyone. Seeing what she had. What she needed. And what else she wanted. Even coughing and wheezing she still manages to get more done than I do.

Mom is staying at our place again tonight while Mark is at the deer cabin. The tots are in heaven. 3 nights in a row where anything goes. Well, almost anything. They stay up late. Eat more-than-the-allotted-amount of candy. And they get to sleep in our bed. With Oma. While HH and I move to Dae's bed.

How

How do you tell your family that your mom may only have until Christmas?
How do you ask your mom where wishes to be buried?
How do you tell your children that their Oma is sick? So sick that she can't play anymore?
How do I get rid of this numbness?
How do you shop for a dress that you know you'll never wear again?
How does the world keep moving when I can't?

Please? For Momma.

My mom's sick. As in sick with cancer. And incurable. She's fought for 3 years. 3 long, hard years. Time that has been a gift. As she continues her battle, I am asking for prayers (always) and for cards. I want her to know that so many more people are rooting and praying for than she realizes. A card to make her smile, to laugh, to fight. Thank you.


Marilyn Smith
16202 N 1680 St
Teutopolis, IL 62467

Unsure Where We're Headed

I'm numb. And irate. And numb again. I can hardly talk to anyone. I want to scream. Yell. Throw things. Mom's cancer is growing. All of the tumors. In both lungs. Dr. Dy is not sure anything can be done. But, as a last resort, he is putting mom on a chemo that she has already been on. 2 years ago. In hopes that it might work again. He is also adding a medicine in with her chemo with the hope that it will help the chemo work. He is doubtful. Mom is in tears. We're all numb. And angry. We were grasping at straws trying to find something that could be done. But we're at the end of the road. At least medically speaking. Dr. Dy was wonderful and answered all of our questions and then some. Mom's shortness of breath is not due to sickness. It's due to the cancer. It's grown so much it's restricting her airways. Stents won't help. Surgery is not an option. I don't even have tears right now.

Sometimes, I just want to scream

Mom's still sick. She called the doc last week and got antibiotics. But she's still sick. Her appetite is still good which makes being sick easier. But she now has to hold her right side when she coughs. Because she's coughed so much it is extremely painful. She can't walk more than a few steps without needing to sit down due to being short-winded. It's a bad thing when you have to stop and take a breather on your way to the bathroom. She flat out refused to call the doctor today. We see him Wednesday for CT scan results. She doesn't see a need to bother him now. I love her dearly but sometimes I just want to scream into the phone and tell her that YOU ARE SICK! HE CAN'T HELP YOU IF HE DOESN'T KNOW! YOU CAN HARDLY TALK WITHOUT GASPING FOR AIR! But I don't. Because I respect her. Instead, I just shake my head in silent wonder at the reasons for her suffering.

For a 5 year old

Diana Harrison Biorkman has a 5-year old son in his last stages of a 2 1/2 year battle with Neuroblastoma Cancer. They are celebrating Christmas NEXT WEEKEND and Noah loves Christmas cards. Please send a card to: Noah Biorkman 1141 Fountain View Circle, South Lyon, MI 48178. Thank you so much and PLEASE REPOST on your blog or FaceBook. Lets get him a truckload of cards! Thank you!